I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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