You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
