You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
