dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What changed your mind?
Being sober
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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