Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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