My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
