You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
