OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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