Got a toothbrush?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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