She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
