I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
