I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
And then he peed in my hair
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
