so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Randomize