It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
