My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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