I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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