you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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