So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
