i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
