woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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