i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
