I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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