How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
