I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
