one two three fourrrrnication!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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