Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
