Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
