There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
