Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
