We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Boobs are out for the taking
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
