Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i think im in europe. pls send help
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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