Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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