I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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