Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
