I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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