4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
