Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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