If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm passing your future prison.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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