every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
