I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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