No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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