Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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