And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
