i just wanna soil my oats bro
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize