my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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