Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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