hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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