Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
