when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
