I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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