He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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