Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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