Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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