I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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