Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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