I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
