I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
