I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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